I read a certain blog because she, like myself, suffers from a common condition (PCOS). I love reading about how creative she is, and looking at her photos (which are amazing). But, mostly I love to see how real she is. She shares her feelings and thoughts...good and bad moments and doesn't apologize for them. She is honest and my heart soars for her through the good times and breaks for her through the bad. I have felt that same struggles that she has with infertility...and now the flip side of that coin with not being able to stop getting pregnant.
In the words of Joni Mitchell, "I've Seen Both Sides Now..."
For both of these reasons, I have lived my life on whether these things are going my way or not. Am I bitter because, yet again, someone around me is pregnant and I am not...Or, am I bitter because I have been pregnant for 2 years and want it to stop! I think the real reason for unhappiness is that none of this seems to be my choice. Life seems to be happening to me...and I am just here for the ride.
How do I find that middle ground where I can stay steady and not be so reactive to every change in my life? Is it possible? And if it is possble, what does THAT feel like?
Mostly right now, I feel like I am taking what wonderful gifts I have been given (in my children) forgranted.
I remember growing up, as a little girl, thinking I wanted to have babies. As I got older, I felt the same way, it wasn't a question as to if I would have them...it would just happen. They would be there when I wanted them. (Incidentally, I got voted in 8th grade as being most likely to marry a billionare and have 8 kids) Now I have had a little life experience tucked under my belt and I know that just because we desire an outcome doesn't mean it will be.
Now, after years of struggling with infertility/impatience, I am about to give birth to my FOURTH baby. A precious soul who belongs in my family. Someone who my Heavenly Father had in mind for me...or the other way around as it seems to be. I have learned so many things from my kids so far.
Being a parent, all of my weaknesses are magnified...my emotions are amplified...I can't get through one thought about even the idea of saying goodbye to them withough immediately tearing up...and yet I also struggle with day-to-day parenting. Children are challenging...demanding...puzzling. I am constantly second guessing my choices and wondering how my parents did it. Through all of this, my tendency is to feel worthless as a parent...I make so many mistakes and wish I could do a better job in showing my kids good examples of patience, unconditional love, humility, service...etc.
On the bright side, it reminds me of what has become a scripture that has become very dear to me in recent times:
6 aBe bcareful for nothing; but in every thing by cprayer and supplication with dthanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
7 And the apeace of God, which passeth all bunderstanding, shall ckeep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
In more plain words:
"Do not be axious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God...will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I guess the point of this post is to say, of course I am not in charge of some, or even most, of the things that happen to me in this life. And, I am right, I do struggle to get through these challenges in life...I can't do this by myself. And really, I'm not supposed to do it by myself am I? So, in the coming months as my life, yet again, is thrown for a loop with the birth of another child, I will be coming to this post and reminding myself where I need to go for supplication.
I am sorry it took the suffering of a woman desperately wanting a child to get me to write again...and I promise the next post will be happier, if not slightly entertaining.
1 comment:
love you...that's all i have to say :) oh..and you're the best!
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